Love is a choice, not just a feeling
- Oct 20, 2024
- 12 min read
Updated: Oct 22, 2024
When we think about love, many of us imagine the perfect scenario: effortless, endless happiness, with no room for doubts, challenges, or conflicts. This idealized image of love is deeply ingrained in our culture. Films, books, and social media often only portray happy moments—highs full of passion, joy, and mutual understanding. We get the impression that love should be something that simply "arrives" and stays. Effortless, free of troubles. Consciously or unconsciously, we picture an ideal where partners completely understand each other, with no conflicts or disagreements, where everything is in harmony and every conflict is resolved immediately without any negative feelings. And when that perfection begins to crumble—when disagreements, frustrations, or mistakes arise—many find themselves facing a dilemma: does this mean love is fading?
This idea of "perfect" love is actually a dangerous trap. Love, based on the illusion that everything is easy and without challenges, often unravels when the first tests arise. Many relationships face difficulties when the "honeymoon phase" ends, and the deeper layers of our personalities begin to emerge. In reality, this is the moment when true love begins. Love that isn't built on the belief that everything must be perfect, but on the understanding that relationships can thrive precisely because of imperfections.
The essence of love isn't about seeking flawlessness, but about being able to confront the cracks—both within ourselves and in our partner—and accepting them. True love isn't something that simply "exists"; it’s something we actively build through shared experiences—even those that are full of challenges.
The illusion of perfection
Romantic depictions of love have led us from childhood to believe that there is a "perfect" partner out there. Someone who will always understand, always support, and never disappoint. In fairy tales, everything ends with the cliche "they lived happily ever after," but in real life, relationships only begin after the fairy tale ends. The problem isn't in wanting happy relationships—the issue arises when we believe that challenges are a sign something is wrong, rather than recognizing them as an inevitable part of healthy relationships.
In fact, the most common illusion is that love equals perfection. People are complicated, imperfect, and full of flaws. At the beginning of relationships, we often show the best version of ourselves. Not because we want to deceive or lie, but because we are excited, full of hope, and motivated to present our best selves. And our partner does the same. However, as the relationship progresses, this mask slowly starts to dissolve. The true traits of our personality, and our partner's, begin to surface. At this point, it may seem like our partner is no longer the person we first imagined them to be. They might become more sensitive, less patient, or reveal their fears and insecurities. This often leads to feelings of betrayal—as if this person is no longer the one we fell in love with. In these moments, feelings of disappointment or doubt may emerge. "Is this still the person I fell in love with?" But that feeling stems from unrealistic expectations, not from reality. Sometimes, it feels like the person is changing—but in reality, it's not a change, but a deeper understanding of who they have been all along.
The question we need to ask ourselves is not whether our partner is changing, but whether we are willing to love them, flaws and all. This moment of realization can be frightening for many. When we discover our partner's weaknesses, we may begin to question whether this is still the "ideal" relationship we had envisioned. But the truth is, perfection doesn't exist—and that’s where the beauty of relationships lies. When both partners stop striving for perfection and begin to accept each other as they truly are, the relationship gains a depth that was previously impossible.
Perfection is often what kills real intimacy. If we constantly expect everything to be flawless, for our partner to always meet our expectations and never disappoint us, we create a pressure that becomes unbearable for both. Love based on such expectations becomes fragile, as every mistake threatens the stability of the relationship.
The key is to understand: every relationship has its cracks, but it is these very cracks that allow the light to enter. Accepting imperfections doesn't mean settling for less than we deserve, but understanding that real relationships involve work, adaptation, and continuous growth. When we accept that there will always be moments of misunderstanding, pain, or frustration, we stop seeing these moments as threats and instead recognize them as opportunities for deepening the relationship. Rather than seeking a flawless relationship, we should be looking for a relationship where we can grow together—through mistakes, flaws, and all the challenges life brings.
When was the last time you felt disappointed by your partner? Did you stop at that feeling, or did you ask yourself what you could learn from that moment in your relationship?
The 'frightening' reality of love
We often talk about love as something that "hits" us. When we fall in love, the feelings are strong and intense—as if our life suddenly changes and everything becomes brighter, full of possibilities. At the start of a relationship, it seems as though emotions are guiding us. But sooner or later, the moment comes when that initial spark fades a little. When passion is no longer at its peak, and the excitement of novelty wears off, we find ourselves asking: What now?
This is when the realization comes that love is not just a feeling, but also a choice. While emotions come and go, true love is a decision we make over and over again—every day, every moment. Love as a choice means that we consciously decide to be present for our partner, even when life seems to pull us in different directions. Choosing love requires responsibility. It’s not a simple choice, as it involves deciding to stay and try to understand in moments of frustration or when things don’t go as planned. It's not just about being physically present; it’s about being emotionally engaged—even when walking away would be easier. Love is not something that "just happens" or "disappears"; it’s something we either strengthen or weaken with each action.
It’s important to understand that choosing love often lies in small actions. It doesn’t necessarily have to involve big, dramatic moments. We choose love when we decide to listen instead of judge. We choose love when, in moments of stress, we offer support to our partner instead of focusing on our own discomfort. We choose love when we decide to be patient, even when we feel like we’ve explained ourselves a hundred times. Love that is based on choice is the love that endures. It’s about supporting each other in difficult times when things don’t go according to plan. When we choose love despite disappointments, misunderstandings, or exhaustion, we build a strong and mutual bond that will stand the test of time. It’s when it seems easiest to leave—when our emotions are pulling us away—that the choice to love is the strongest.
Are you willing to choose love, even when it’s not easy? Where could you be more consciously present and loving toward your partner?
The role of vulnerability and grace
Vulnerability is perhaps one of the hardest but most important aspects of true love. Most people avoid vulnerability because we’re afraid of being judged or hurt. But real love requires us to open up—to show our true selves, without pretense or masks. It’s precisely in these moments of vulnerability that relationships can become deeper and more authentic.
When we talk about vulnerability, it’s not just about sharing our feelings. It’s about the willingness to show our fears, insecurities, and flaws. It’s allowing someone to see the parts of us that we usually hide from the world. And this is where the beauty of love lies. There’s no comparable feeling to being truly loved and accepted for who we are, rather than for who we pretend to be.
Vulnerability shouldn’t be seen as a weakness. On the contrary—it requires immense courage. When we choose to be vulnerable, we risk being hurt, but it’s that very risk that forms the foundation of deep intimacy. When we’re willing to show who we really are, and when our partner accepts us in that space, a love begins to form that is more honest and lasting. But vulnerability is only one side of the story. It’s also important how we respond when our partner shows their vulnerability. This is where grace comes in. Grace means responding with compassion, acceptance, and understanding, even when it would be easier to judge or criticize. When our partner makes a mistake or shows their weakness, grace is what allows us to stay connected.
Grace is essential because without it, there’s no room for true vulnerability. If our partner feels they will be judged when they show their weaknesses, they will close off, and the relationship will become superficial. However, true love is the kind that doesn’t give up at the first disappointment. This is the love that allows room for mistakes and growth. When we’re willing to forgive and accept our partner as they are—with their flaws and imperfections—we create a bond that is hard to break.
How do you react when your partner shows their vulnerability? Are you critical, or do you respond with tenderness and understanding? Are you afraid to show your vulnerable side because you fear rejection?
Challenges as signs of genuine love
We often think that conflicts, tensions, or periods of misunderstanding are signs that love is fading. At those moments, we might ask ourselves: Is this normal? Should a relationship really be this difficult? But these are, in fact, the moments when love has the opportunity to show its true strength. The real challenge of love is not in avoiding problems, but in recognizing them as opportunities for growth—both personally and as a couple. Every couple faces stress, exhaustion, misunderstandings, and disappointments. The question is: How will we respond to these challenges?
We can retreat from them, or we can choose to stay and face them together. The great reward of true love is that these trials don’t separate us, but bring us closer. When we overcome difficult moments together, we become stronger—not just as individuals, but as partners building something important together.
When was the last time you saw a problem in your relationship as an opportunity for growth? How did you respond? Did you retreat, or did you face it with your partner in a way that encouraged connection?
One of the most challenging aspects of true love is admitting our own mistakes. It’s hard to acknowledge that we are not always perfect, that we make mistakes that hurt our partner. But it’s precisely this admission that is the key to real closeness. When we can confront our imperfections and share them with our partner, we create a space where vulnerability is valued, and where both can grow.
The challenge of love is to stay connected, even when it would be easiest to close the door and walk away. When we get through the hardest moments, we begin to understand that love isn’t something that just happens; it’s something we build with effort, patience, and grace. And it’s this effort that brings rewards no superficial romance can offer.
Are you willing to put in the work that’s necessary for deep, real love? How are you willing to grow in your relationship, and what are you ready to accept to make it happen?
Practical steps for embracing imperfections in relationships
Embracing imperfection and growing in love doesn’t happen spontaneously—it requires conscious actions. We often find ourselves in situations where it’s difficult to manage our expectations, or we feel disappointed by our partner’s mistakes. This is why it’s crucial not only to seek understanding but to develop concrete ways to create an environment where love can thrive, no matter the challenges.
Here are some practical steps that can help:
Practice patience: No relationship is perfect, and neither are you as an individual. Growth is a long process for both you and your partner. It’s important to give yourselves enough space to develop. Don’t expect quick fixes or immediate changes. Love requires patience. In moments when you’re feeling impatient, remind yourself: Would I want someone to expect me to change overnight?
Communicate with love: One of the most common mistakes in relationships is forgetting to remain kind in moments of frustration. Words spoken in anger can leave deep scars. When you’re disappointed or upset, pause and think about how you would want your partner to speak to you in a similar situation. Communication that’s filled with love and respect is essential for long-term connection.
Accept the chaos: Life is messy, and relationships are messy. It’s unrealistic to expect everything to always run smoothly. There will be times when both of you are tired, confused, or overwhelmed. Accepting this chaos is part of love. Love isn’t about seeking the perfect moment, but about choosing to be present even amidst the messiness of life.
Offer grace: When your partner makes a mistake, respond with grace instead of judgment. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or not expressing your pain, but it does mean choosing to see your partner in all their humanity—with all their flaws. When you offer grace, you create a space where both of you feel safe to be who you are. Grace builds trust and allows the relationship to survive even the toughest challenges.
Focus on the small gestures: A grand gesture can be beautiful, but in everyday life, love is built on small acts. Simple expressions of love—gentle listening, a kiss goodnight, a compliment at an unexpected moment—are what sustain a relationship over the long term. Choose love in the small moments and never underestimate their power.
Embrace your own vulnerability: It’s important not to be afraid to admit that you’re not perfect. When we are vulnerable, we allow our partner to see us for who we truly are—and when we are accepted in our vulnerability, we feel more connected. Accepting your own imperfections fosters more authentic and deeper relationships.
Which of these steps could you use in your relationship today? Where could you be more patient or loving?
When love becomes painful and dangerous: setting boundaries and taking care of yourself
Despite everything we've said about embracing imperfection and persevering in love, it's important to emphasize that every relationship has its limits. Love does not mean enduring or tolerating harmful behavior. When a relationship becomes abusive—whether emotionally, physically, or mentally—it is crucial to take care of yourself. We must never equate love with suffering or use it to justify abusive behavior.
Love that is filled with manipulation, control, or constant humiliation is not love, but a toxic dynamic that slowly destroys us. These kinds of relationships are not worth the effort or patience. When we start losing ourselves in a relationship, when our mental and physical health deteriorates because of someone else, it’s time to stop and ask: Does this relationship support my growth or is it suffocating me?
It's essential to understand that relationships are not black and white. They exist on a spectrum, where dynamics can shift between healthy and toxic, depending on the time and situation. Sometimes, we find ourselves in relationships that present many challenges, but we must never forget the fundamental truth: In every relationship, we must feel safe and respected. Accepting imperfections does not mean tolerating violence or abuse.
If you find yourself in a relationship where violence is escalating, whether emotional or physical, it’s crucial to set boundaries and seek help. Self-love means recognizing when it’s time to take care of yourself and leave a situation that is destroying you.
For more on how to recognize when a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits becomes too harmful, read the article, "Why leaving is not the only option in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic traits: The key Is in love," where you’ll find guidance on how to recognize what’s best for you.
Love is not ownership
Others are not in our lives to meet our expectations or fill our inner voids. Each of us is a unique individual with our own values, desires, and dreams, separate from our partner. The key to a healthy relationship is not in trying to force someone to fit into our mold, but in getting to know one another, accepting each other, and discovering how compatible we truly are.
True love does not rest on changing someone or being changed by someone else. Love is not a selfish endeavor to make a partner into the perfect version that fits our ideals. Instead, love is a natural process of growth that happens when both partners, with respect and acceptance, allow each other to become the best versions of themselves.
When we understand that true love fosters growth and doesn’t exert pressure for change, the relationship becomes an opportunity for deep mutual respect and connection. Accepting another person means allowing them to be who they are, while also determining if that aligns with our own reality and expectations. This is the key to a love that isn’t based on force or idealization, but on true acceptance.
True love doesn’t demand change out of fear or ego but allows for change as a natural process of two people growing and developing in their own unique ways.
It’s very important not to feel guilty if you recognize that you have a tendency to want to change your partner. This pattern is not uncommon and is part of human nature. It often stems from a desire for safety, stability, or a deeper connection that we might be seeking in our partner. We all want to feel loved and important, and when we don’t receive these feelings, we might unknowingly seek ways to change the other person to better meet our emotional needs. You don’t need to think that you’re "bad" because of these tendencies or that something is wrong with your relationship. The key lies in awareness. When we recognize these patterns, we can work to understand where they come from. Perhaps these desires to change your partner arise from your own unresolved feelings of insignificance, unlovability, or past experiences of rejection. This is nothing unusual and is a common pattern that can be explored and understood.
Do you truly accept your partner as they are, or are you trying to mold them into something that fits your expectations?
If you feel that these tendencies are becoming a barrier in your relationship or that they stem from deeper internal needs, a conversation with a professional might help. Together, we can explore why the desire to change your partner is so strong and how to transform it into healthier ways of expressing love and connection. Sometimes, simply becoming aware of these patterns can lead to greater self-connection and, as a result, a deeper bond with your partner.
Are you ready to explore where these tendencies come from and work through them to build a healthier relationship—both with your partner and yourself?
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