Why leaving is not the only option in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic traits? The key is in love
- Oct 18, 2024
- 19 min read
Updated: Oct 20, 2024
You can’t keep turning a blind eye – if you’re losing yourself in a relationship, it’s time to wake up. Read how self-love can help you recognize whether you’re staying out of love or out of fear. The answer may surprise you, but it will give you the strength to choose yourself. This article will guide you through the process of setting boundaries and show you how to preserve your identity and inner strength – whether you stay or go.
Narcissism as a spectrum: What it means and why we all have it to some extent
Being in a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits can be incredibly challenging. At first glance, these individuals may seem like they feel superior in the relationship, always finding excuses for their actions, as if they have an endless sense of entitlement. However, beneath that external mask often lies deep vulnerability and inner fear. Narcissism is not something that is easy to recognize or understand, and it's even harder to accept when we’re in a relationship with such a person.
It’s important to understand that narcissism isn’t black and white. We live in an age where narcissism is over-diagnosed. Just because someone shows narcissistic traits doesn't mean they are a full-blown narcissist, and even someone with narcissistic tendencies isn’t doomed to never change. What’s crucial is whether the person can recognize these patterns and whether they’re willing to work on themselves. In this article, we’ll explore how to identify narcissistic traits, how they affect relationships, and most importantly – how self-love and setting boundaries can safeguard your mental health and help you choose the best path for yourself, whether that means leaving or working on the relationship.
Narcissism is often understood as something extreme – a picture of someone who is entirely self-centered, arrogant, and lacking empathy. However, narcissism is actually a spectrum, meaning each of us can display certain narcissistic traits, but in varying “doses.” These traits, such as a desire for attention, a need for validation, or defense mechanisms that conceal vulnerability, are part of human nature. It’s essential to realize that narcissistic traits don’t always equate to pathological narcissism – it’s about how pronounced these traits are and how much they affect our relationships.
DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN NARCISSISTIC TRAITS AND TRUE NARCISSISM
It’s critical to note the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and individuals who simply have some narcissistic traits. NPD is a serious mental disorder characterized by deeply ingrained behavior patterns, a lack of empathy, and manipulative behavior, where the person often cannot or refuses to acknowledge the impact their actions have on others. In contrast, individuals with narcissistic traits might not be as extreme, but they often act out of a lack of empathy and an unawareness of how their behavior affects those around them. These people have the potential to develop awareness over time and work on themselves.
Why do we develop narcissistic traits?
Narcissistic traits often stem from deep internal wounds and unresolved traumas that have accumulated during childhood or adolescence. When someone experiences feelings of rejection, a lack of love, or the belief that they are not enough in their early years, they may develop defense mechanisms in adulthood to conceal these wounds. Narcissism becomes a shield that protects against further pain – though, unfortunately, at the expense of others. When this person manipulates, devalues, or shifts the blame, they avoid confronting their own pain and vulnerability.
Such individuals often resort to believing they are better or special because it helps them create an illusion of power and control. However, this power is often just a façade for deeply ingrained fears of rejection and feelings of worthlessness. Therefore, narcissism can be understood as a distorted form of self-defense against emotions the person doesn’t know how to handle healthily.
Narcissism is often not a sign of strength but a cry for protection. Beneath the surface of confidence and a sense of superiority, there is often a fear that has never truly been addressed.
Why do we all have narcissistic tendencies to some extent?
Narcissistic tendencies are not necessarily pathological – in small doses, they are part of the everyday human experience. All of us sometimes crave validation, admiration, or simply the feeling that we matter. These traits only become problematic when they start to dominate our behavior and harm our relationships. When they become forced.
If we think of narcissistic traits as a spectrum, each of us can reflect on where we fall. Do you sometimes crave attention excessively? Do you find it difficult to accept criticism? Understanding that these traits exist in all of us can help reduce the stigma and allow for deeper insight into this behavior – both in ourselves and others.
Have you ever thought that your need for validation, recognition, or control might actually be expressions of unresolved wounds? How do these needs show up in your relationships?
How does narcissism manifest in relationships and how it affects the partner?
When you’re in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, you can slowly find yourself trapped in an emotionally challenging dynamic, where the partner’s need for control, attention, and validation always seems to take precedence over your own needs. Narcissistic behavior in relationships is often difficult to recognize at first because it can start subtly, but over time, it becomes increasingly destructive to the partner’s emotional health and sense of self-worth.
Narcissistic partners employ a range of behaviors that are hard to detect initially, but over the long term, they leave deep emotional scars. Here are some of the most common ways narcissistic traits show up in relationships and how they affect the partner:
Dismissing your needs: Narcissists tend to prioritize their own needs and desires, often ignoring or downplaying those of their partner. When the partner expresses their feelings or needs, the narcissist may dismiss them as unimportant or excessive. This behavior creates a sense that your emotions are less valid, which can lead to a gradual erosion of your self-confidence. Over time, the partner begins to adjust to the narcissist’s demands, pushing their own needs to the background, creating a one-sided relationship where the narcissist’s satisfaction becomes the only priority, regardless of your feelings.
Shifting the blame: When conflicts or problems arise in the relationship, the narcissist rarely takes responsibility for their actions. Instead, they quickly shift the blame onto their partner, creating an environment where someone else is always at fault. The narcissist will use various tactics to convince you that you are the problem. This causes the partner to constantly question their behavior and feel compelled to apologize, even when they aren’t at fault. This constant blame-shifting can make the partner feel inadequate, like they can never do anything right or achieve peace in the relationship.
Constant need for attention: Narcissists crave admiration and validation, which often leads their partner to become the source of constant gratification for these needs. If the narcissist doesn’t receive enough attention or praise, they may start acting like a victim or become dissatisfied. Over time, the partner finds themselves under constant pressure to meet the narcissist’s needs while receiving little to no emotional support in return. This imbalance can lead to emotional exhaustion, as the narcissist demands continuous attention while the partner’s emotional reserves remain unfulfilled.
Manipulation and mind games: Narcissistic partners often use manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting, to control their partner and maintain dominance in the relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the narcissist distorts reality, convincing their partner that their perceptions are wrong or exaggerated. Over time, this manipulation can make the partner doubt their own judgment, leaving them feeling lost in their reality. These emotional games create confusion and emotional instability, often leading the partner to feel powerless and dependent on the narcissist.
Extreme mood swings: Narcissistic partners often swing between extreme charm and sudden coldness or aggression. These mood swings create a sense of emotional insecurity, where the partner never knows what kind of reaction to expect. In one moment, the narcissist can be gentle, loving, and attentive, while in the next, they become distant, cold, or even hostile. These emotional shifts lead the partner to constantly walk on eggshells, trying to predict how the narcissist will react. This makes the partner feel trapped in a relationship where there is no room for emotional stability or safety.
How narcissistic behavior affects the partner?
Being in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits can profoundly impact your emotional, mental, and even physical well-being. The partner of a narcissist often experiences the following:
Constant guilt: Narcissistic behavior often leaves the partner feeling that they’re not good enough, that they’re constantly disappointing their partner, or that they are responsible for the issues in the relationship. This guilt can be incredibly draining, leading the partner to constantly doubt their self-worth.
Losing self-confidence: Narcissists frequently devalue or belittle their partner, which leads to a gradual erosion of self-confidence. The partner may begin to question whether they’re even capable of being a good partner, or whether they even deserve love. Slowly, they lose touch with their true self.
Emotional instability: Because narcissists often fluctuate between love and coldness, the partner frequently feels confused—never knowing what will trigger the next negative reaction. This emotional instability can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of entrapment.
Losing their touch of reality: Due to manipulative tactics like gaslighting, the partner may begin to doubt their own thoughts, perceptions, and feelings. This can lead to a sense of confusion where the partner no longer knows what is real and what isn’t.
The feeling of loneliness and isolation
Beyond the behaviors described above, narcissistic relationships often lead to a deep sense of loneliness and isolation. Narcissistic partners may gradually diminish the importance of the relationships their partner has with other people, which can lead to social isolation. But that’s not the only reason for loneliness in such a relationship.
Sometimes, loneliness stems from the lack of understanding from others. Narcissistic behavior can be incredibly subtle and hidden from the eyes of outside observers. Narcissists are often charming, charismatic, and successful in front of others, leading those who aren’t in an intimate relationship with them to fail to see their manipulative side. As a result, the partner often finds themselves in a situation where others don’t understand what’s really going on, and may even reject the partner’s reality or feelings, simply not believing them.
This leads to an even deeper sense of loneliness, as the partner doubts their own reality and lacks the support they would usually find in friends or family. The narcissistic partner successfully creates an environment where the partner feels isolated, confused, and helpless, which further increases their dependence on the narcissist.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like walking through a minefield—you never know what will trigger the next explosion. This leads to exhaustion, a feeling of worthlessness, and a loss of your own identity.
How can the partner begin to break free from this cycle?
Recognizing that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or someone with narcissistic traits is the first step toward change. It’s crucial to understand how this behavior affects your emotional state and start setting boundaries. Love based on exhaustion, guilt, and manipulation is not healthy love. It’s essential for the partner to start recognizing their own worth and ask themselves if this relationship truly supports their growth or if it merely perpetuates a sense of inferiority.
Have you ever asked yourself how you feel in your relationship? Does this relationship lift you up, or does it push you down into feelings of doubt and guilt?
Awareness or lack thereof: The key difference in relationships
When you’re in a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, one of the most important factors is awareness. Does your partner recognize how their behavior impacts you? This is a crucial distinction that can determine whether the relationship has a future or not. Narcissistic traits, in and of themselves, aren’t necessarily insurmountable, but they become problematic if the partner consciously ignores or rejects their behavior and refuses to work toward change.
Awareness as the first step towards change
People with narcissistic traits often operate from unconscious patterns developed over the years, typically as a response to past traumas or feelings of inadequacy. They often don’t realize that their behavior harms others because they’re so focused on their own inner needs and sense of threat that they fail to notice others. However, this doesn’t mean that someone with narcissistic tendencies cannot become more aware of their actions. The first step is becoming aware of how their behavior affects their partner and causes emotional harm.
If a narcissistic partner begins to recognize their behavior, there’s a chance for change. This requires openness to feedback and a willingness to work on themselves. Awareness is crucial, as without it, there’s no way to begin improving the relationship.
Narcissistic traits, in themselves, aren’t fatal to a relationship – the key lies in whether the partner becomes aware of how their words and actions impact you.
How to lovingly help a partner recognize their impact
Awareness isn’t something that happens overnight. A person with narcissistic traits often needs help in recognizing how their behavior affects others. This can be a delicate process, as narcissistic partners often feel attacked or threatened when confronted with their responsibility. That’s why it’s important to approach this in a loving and empathetic way. Instead of confronting or blaming, you can try the following approaches:
Clearly and calmly express your feelings: It’s important to tell your partner how their behavior affects you, but without blame. Use “I” statements like: “When X happens, I feel Y.” This way, your partner won’t feel attacked, but will better understand how their behavior impacts your emotional well-being.
Create space for dialogue: Ask questions such as: “Do you think your behavior changes when we’re in conflict?” or “Have you ever noticed how I feel when this happens?” These kinds of questions encourage your partner to reflect without feeling threatened.
Support them in seeking help: If you notice your partner is open to change, you can gently suggest professional help. You might say something like: “I think it could help if we found someone to guide us through these conversations. What do you think?” This offers support without pressure.
A loving approach means not creating an atmosphere of hostility or conflict, but rather a safe space where your partner can gradually begin to recognize their patterns. Of course, this doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to fix your partner’s issues, but you can contribute to raising awareness.
Does your partner realize how their behavior affects you? Are they making an effort to improve the relationship, or are they stuck in old patterns? When will you draw the line and choose yourself?
What happens when there’s no awareness?
If your partner remains unaware of their behavior and is unwilling to listen to feedback, improving the relationship becomes almost impossible. A narcissistic partner who refuses to take responsibility and constantly shifts the blame onto you cannot contribute to growth and improvement in the relationship. In such cases, emotional damage can run deep and become permanent.
A lack of awareness leads to stagnation in the relationship, where the narcissistic partner continues with their behavior, while you remain trapped in a cycle of guilt, doubt, and emotional exhaustion. Without awareness, the narcissist will continue to evade responsibility, and the partner will increasingly feel that their feelings are insignificant. This dynamic causes the partner to gradually lose touch with their true self, eventually believing that they are the problem..
In these situations, the only real solution is to leave the relationship. No matter how much love you may feel for a narcissistic partner, your emotional safety and well-being must come first. Leaving a toxic relationship is not a sign of failure – it’s an expression of self-love.
Without awareness, there is no change. If your partner is unaware of their behavior or refuses to acknowledge it, it’s time to choose yourself and leave.
Awareness, effort, and the process of change
If, however, your partner becomes aware of their narcissistic traits and shows a willingness to change, it’s an important sign that the relationship might be worth saving. But it’s important to be realistic – awareness alone is not enough, as narcissistic patterns don’t change overnight. It is just the beginning, and it must be supported by concrete effort and a conscious desire to improve the relationship.
Change requires the narcissistic partner to consciously recognize their patterns and understand how their actions affect their partner. Building empathy and taking responsibility for their behavior is essential, though extremely difficult for narcissists, as they often feel vulnerable when admitting they’re wrong. It’s crucial to create space for your partner to express their needs and feelings, while also establishing clear boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not.
During the process of change, there will undoubtedly be setbacks – narcissistic patterns are deeply ingrained and may resurface in times of stress or conflict. The key question is whether your partner acknowledges their mistakes after these setbacks and strives to correct them, or if they revert to old patterns and ignore your feelings. Additionally, it’s not enough for a partner to just apologize repeatedly without working on real change. If the time between the mistake and their awareness of it doesn’t decrease, it’s a sign that their apologies may have become a defense mechanism rather than a genuine effort to improve.
Awareness is just the first step. Real change requires ongoing work, responsibility, and the development of empathy. If your partner shows a true willingness to change, there’s a chance for improvement in the relationship, but the road will be long.
When the partner is aware but doesn’t change
There are also cases where the partner becomes aware of their narcissistic traits but still doesn’t do anything to change. They may recognize how their behavior impacts you, yet they make no real effort to improve. This can be particularly painful because it shows that while your partner is capable of awareness, they’re not willing to take the necessary steps to better the relationship for your sake. It’s hard to hold on to hope when their behavior sends the message that you’re not worth changing for.
In such cases, it’s important to understand that you’re not obligated to suffer just because your partner is aware but doesn’t act. Emotional safety must be your priority, and if your partner isn’t willing to work on themselves, the only option is to leave the relationship. Loving yourself means choosing your well-being and setting boundaries.
Awareness without action is not enough. If your partner understands their impact but doesn’t act, you must prioritize your emotional safety and leave.
Why narcissists attract people with low self-esteem and why self-love is crucial for a healthy relationship
People with narcissistic traits often attract partners with low self-esteem, and this is not a coincidence. Narcissists seek dynamics where they can dominate and ensure that their needs are always the priority. Partners with low self-esteem, on the other hand, are often more inclined to submit and push their own needs aside, creating a one-sided relationship in which the narcissistic partner thrives, while the other slowly loses touch with their sense of self-worth.
Why are people with low self-esteem attractive to narcissists?
People with low self-esteem often seek validation and acceptance from the outside world because they don’t truly believe in their inner worth. This very need for external validation makes them vulnerable to narcissistic partners. Narcissists, especially in the early stages of a relationship, often make their partner feel like they are completely enchanted by them. They are charming, charismatic, and give the impression that their partner is someone special. This phase of infatuation, often called “love bombing,” is highly attractive to someone with low self-esteem who craves the feeling of being worthy of love.
However, once the phase of intense admiration fades, the narcissist begins to gradually take control. People with low self-esteem often feel guilty for the problems in the relationship and start seeking ways to please the narcissist more, hoping to earn back their approval. Narcissists exploit this because they know they can maintain control over a partner who, out of fear of rejection, will do whatever it takes to keep their love.
Narcissists are drawn to individuals with low self-esteem because these people seek external validation and are willing to submit and please at the expense of their own well-being.
How do people with low self-esteem become trapped in these relationships?
When someone with low self-esteem enters a relationship with a narcissist, they often take on the role of the “rescuer” or the one responsible for the happiness of the relationship. The narcissistic partner manipulates them into believing that all the problems in the relationship are their fault and that their behavior is the cause of the conflicts. This dynamic leads the person with low self-esteem to doubt their worth and feel guilty if they don’t satisfy the narcissist’s needs. Simply put, the partner begins to feel as though they are "too much."
This results in the suppression of their own emotional needs because someone with low self-confidence believes they no longer deserve attention or love. Over time, this person loses touch with their inner value and becomes emotionally dependent on the narcissist, who occasionally offers crumbs of attention and validation—just enough to make the partner believe they need to try even harder to regain the narcissist’s affection.
Partners with low self-esteem often become trapped in these relationships because they believe they must constantly please and sacrifice to maintain the narcissist’s love.
Self-love: The key to liberation and a healthy relationship
One of the most crucial factors that can break this toxic dynamic is self-love. When a person with low self-esteem begins to build their self-worth and respect for themselves, they start to realize that they are not responsible for their partner’s emotional outbursts or disrespectful behavior. They understand that their value does not come from external validation but from within.
Self-love is key, as it allows you to set clear boundaries and prioritize your own needs without feeling guilty. A person who loves themselves will no longer tolerate emotional manipulation, won’t seek approval from a narcissistic partner, and will be able to clearly see when the relationship is damaging their health. With self-love comes the strength to choose yourself and leave if necessary.
Setting boundaries isn’t just an expression of strength; it’s an expression of self-respect. The narcissistic partner may try to test these boundaries, but someone who is aware of their worth will no longer succumb to emotional manipulation or guilt. Self-love becomes the protective mechanism that guides you through the challenges of the relationship and helps you decide what’s best for your mental and emotional well-being.
Self-love is not selfishness—it’s the only way out of toxic relationships and allows you to clearly see your value. Once you recognize your worth, you no longer need external validation. Your needs are just as valid, even if they differ from your partner’s.
Self-love enables you to create emotional distance between yourself and the narcissist’s manipulations, protecting you from falling back into toxic patterns. This is the foundation of every healthy relationship because it allows you to approach relationships from a place of inner strength and not from a need for external confirmation that you are worthy of love.
Have you ever noticed that you seek approval in your relationship? How does self-love change your perception of the relationship and your ability to set boundaries?
Leave or stay: How self-love changes your decision
In a relationship with a narcissist or someone with narcissistic traits, deciding whether to stay or leave is one of the hardest choices. These relationships can be incredibly complicated, interwoven with strong emotions—love, hope, pain, and doubt. When facing this decision, it’s essential to ask yourself an honest question: Why am I staying? The key difference isn’t just whether you stay, but why you stay—is it out of fear and guilt, or out of love and respect for yourself?
When to leave?
In a relationship with a narcissist, you may feel like you’re constantly trying to get your partner to recognize their behavior and change their patterns. But in some cases, the partner simply doesn’t recognize their impact or, despite awareness, makes no real effort to change. In these cases, where there are no signs of progress despite your efforts and conversations, the only healthy decision is to leave the relationship.
If you notice that:
ur partner doesn’t acknowledge their behavior or rejects it,
Despite awareness, they don’t take responsibility for their actions and continue with the same patterns,
They cause you emotional harm without showing any willingness to change,
’s a strong signal that it’s time to go. Staying in a relationship where a narcissistic partner doesn’t take responsibility for their actions and doesn’t make an effort to change will, in the long run, destroy your emotional and mental health. No matter how much love you may feel for this person, you must prioritize your own safety and well-being.
If your partner shows no awareness or effort to change, leaving means choosing yourself. Your emotional safety must come first, no matter how difficult it may be to leave the relationship.
When to Stay?
On the other hand, there are also cases where a narcissistic partner recognizes their behavior and understands how their actions affect the relationship. More importantly, they show a genuine willingness to work on themselves. In these situations, you might decide to stay, but the key difference lies in why you stay.
Someone who loves themselves doesn’t stay out of fear of being abandoned or out of guilt that they might hurt their partner. When you know your worth, you don’t stay in the relationship because you think you won’t find someone better, or because you fear being blamed for the breakup.
When you choose to stay out of love—love for yourself and for a partner who shows effort and progress—you’re making that decision from a different, stronger place. You understand that change is a slow process, but you see genuine signs of your partner’s progress. Your decisions now stem from love, not fear or guilt. The key difference is that:
You see your partner’s effort and understand that change is a gradual process.
You’re aware of your own strength, knowing that if the relationship deteriorates again, you’re strong enough to leave.
You set boundaries and are capable of protecting your mental health and identity within the relationship.
This decision allows you to maintain your mental health and self-worth because you’re not staying out of a sense of duty or helplessness, but because you see progress and believe in your partner’s potential for growth. By building self-love, you consciously choose what’s best for you because you know your worth.
Staying in a relationship out of love, not fear, means maintaining your identity and emotional strength. Self-love allows you to see your partner’s effort while knowing that you’re strong enough to leave if necessary.
The difference detween staying out of fear and staying out of love
he key difference between staying in a relationship out of fear and staying out of love is your ability to maintain your identity and keep the option to leave if the relationship doesn’t improve. When you love yourself, you no longer stay because you think you won’t find someone better, or because you’re afraid you’ll be blamed for the breakup. Instead, you stay because you see effort, progress, and you believe in your partner’s ability to change. But the key is that you stay with the knowledge that if necessary, you’re strong enough to leave.
This means that you’re no longer dependent on your partner for your happiness or worth. You’re no longer a prisoner of the relationship, but instead, you consciously choose to stay because you see the potential for growth and change—while knowing that self-love will always allow you to set boundaries and, if necessary, choose a different path.
Staying in a relationship out of love means that you are free in your choice and maintain your emotional safety. Self-love gives you the strength to make decisions consciously, not out of fear or guilt.
Self-love is the foundation on which all our relationships are built. When you know your worth, you’re no longer a prisoner of manipulation, fear, or guilt. With self-love, you set boundaries, protect your emotional health, and choose what’s best for you—not out of a need for approval, but from a deep respect for yourself.
Are you staying in a relationship out of fear, thinking you won’t find something better, or out of love, where you know you can leave if necessary? How do you set boundaries while maintaining your identity?
Every Relationship Is a Mirror. Sometimes it reflects back happiness and fulfillment, and other times, fear and suffering. It’s important to realize that in this way, relationships offer us the opportunity for deep introspection and personal growth. That’s why every relationship is an invaluable experience.
Whether you stay in the relationship or choose a new path, self-love gives you the power to make a conscious choice. And when you know you’re worthy of true, healthy love, you become free. Sometimes, all it takes is a small step, like talking to a professional, to help you gain clarity on your path. Once you decide to choose yourself, doors to new possibilities open.
You deserve love that nurtures you—from your partner and, more importantly, from yourself.
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